Genuine Joy vs. Toxic Positivity
When you smile, but inside there is a storm raging
I vividly remember sitting at the kitchen table as a child, watching my mother retreat inwardly as my father angrily confronted her about something he wasn’t happy with. I remember observing as she quietly walked into the kitchen, continuing to clean-up with an outer smile and inward turmoil. I remember feeling a rush of anger towards her: Why wasn’t she standing up for herself? Why wasn’t she speaking her truth? Why did she choose to mask her inner world with a smile to maintain harmony?
Fast forward many years. I found myself sitting at my own kitchen table. During a confronation with my partner, I felt a familiar anger boiling inside me (by that point, I had done some work to reconnect with that emotion). Simultaneously, I felt a profound unease, a deep-seated discomfort, and an overwhelming urge to restore harmony at any cost. I noticed my smile emerging almost automatically, the diplomat within me taking over to re-establish harmony, to ensure my own safety.
Fast forward a few more years. I am now sitting across from a coaching client. She shares with me the heaviness of the challenges she is facing, all while smiling. She tries to articulate the lessons she’s learning from this life-shattering experience, striving to remain optimistic at all costs. She tries so hard to keep her anger, grief, and disappointment from overwhelming her. I observe her face: the tension in her jaw, the tightness between her eyebrows, and the effort to keep it all together while a storm rages within her. As I begin to address the storm inside, the dam starts to break. Tears begin to flow.
As women, we are often conditioned to appear happy and optimistic, to tune into others' needs, and to be there for them. We learn to keep smiling to hold things together. It often feels unsafe to express big emotions like anger to assert our boundaries. We don’t want to be “too much” or fear that we “won’t belong”. The slightest hint of “negative feedback” can trigger our inner critic to question our self-worth and self-confidence. Even if we try to hide our insecurities behind a smile, the downward spiral has already begun, leaving us desperately seeking external validation to feel that we matter, are accepted, and are loved. If we just keep smiling through it all, we at least keep the illusion up that “we’ve got this”.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is, in essence, perfectionism masked by a smile. It’s an attempt to keep us perpetually on the sunny side of life. While we all cherish the bright moments, they represent only half of life’s full spectrum. By striving to maintain a constant state of positivity, we end up accepting and loving only a fraction of our true selves. The wider the gap between the smile we present to the world and our actual inner state, the greater the distance between the love we desire and the love we can genuinely give ourselves. This gap feels like an emotional void—a space we often try to fill with external achievements or validation from others, but which only true self-acceptance and compassion can ultimately satisfy.
Optimism is a valuable attitude that helps us navigate life’s challenges. However, toxic positivity pushes us to ignore our true feelings in favor of a perpetual facade of happiness. It prevents us from understanding ourselves and forming genuine connections with others. Our emotions serve as messengers, pointing us towards important insights. For instance, anger indicates that a boundary has been crossed or that something we deeply care about is threatened. Imagine channeling healthy anger into your business, your work, and your relationships—it becomes a powerful tool for setting boundaries, asserting your needs and your voice against inequality.
The Difference Between Toxic Positivity and Genuine Joy
“Just think positive”, you might say to yourself as a “negative thought” and an uncomfortable emotion arises. Toxic positivity demands that we maintain a facade of happiness, no matter what we are truly feeling. It denies the full range of human emotions and pressures us to ignore our pain, sadness, or anger in favor of an illusion of perpetual cheerfulness. This can lead to emotional repression, which eventually erodes our mental health and authentic connections with others.
As the researcher Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, puts it:
“Trying to impose happy thoughts is extremely difficult, if not impossible, because few people can just turn off negative thoughts and replace them with more pleasant ones. Also, this advice fails to consider an essential truth: your so-called “negative” emotions are often actually working in your favor.”
Genuine joy, on the other hand, is an emotion that can arise naturally when we allow ourselves to experience and process our full range of emotions. It’s a deep-seated feeling that comes from within, rather than a forced smile plastered over unresolved inner conflict. Genuine joy reflects a state of alignment and authenticity, where our external expressions are congruent with our inner emotional landscape.
in our fast-paced world, where we often tie joy or happiness to future extraordinary achievements or our next exciting trip, we often miss out on the little everyday moments of joy. We might also not allow ourselves to really lean into genuine joy out of fear of appearing naive, child-like or believing that we do not deserve joy for the seemingly ordinary. In the book Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown beautifully summarizes this phenomenon:
“Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments—often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light. A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable. I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.”
Embracing Authenticity
By acknowledging and embracing all of our emotions, including those we might perceive as negative, we open ourselves up to a more authentic and fulfilling life. It’s in allowing ourselves to feel and express these emotions that we find true freedom and connection, both with ourselves and with others.
My intention with this blog post is to invite you to reflect on the smiles you wear and the storms you hide. I encourage you to explore the full spectrum of your emotions and to cultivate genuine joy by honoring your true self. Embrace the anger, the sadness, the fear, and let them guide you towards a life of deeper understanding and authenticity. Let go of the pressure to maintain a facade and step into the courage of living your truth.
Start a self-love revolution
To go even further - I would invite you to start stepping out of this cage of keeping yourself smiling (and at the same time small) and start spreading your wings. Start embracing your full humanity and loving yourself fully and unashamedly. Give yourself permission (and don’t wait for anyone else to do it) to fall madly in love with yourself and to start to fully claim the aliveness within you that comes from expressing all that you are - all the emotions, all the complexity, all the dreams, all that is.
I know that it is more easily said than done - but if I could do it, you can do it.
Call to Action: If you find yourself smiling a lot inside whilst there are storms raging on the inside and you are ready to close that gap between the love you seek and the love you give yourself - let me know and we can make that happen for you!
Reflection Questions:
Genuine Joy
How does genuine joy feel in your body?
Where do you feel it and what color does this emotion have for you?
When have you last felt genuine joy?
What were you doing? Who were you with?
If you feel like you are sometimes blocking genuine joy: Why do you think that is? What are you afraid of?
Toxic Positivity
Do you often try to “stay positive at all cost”?
Are you hiding “negative emotions” behind a mask of positivity or do you allow yourself to process them and understand their message?
Do you have trouble asking for and accepting help when you are not feeling “good”?
If yes, what are you go-to strategies to try to feel better quickly if you find yourself confronted with more uncomfortable emotions?
Why do you feel like you always have to “be positive” or “think positive”?
Authenticity
If you would like to step more into authenticity: brainstorm 3 reasons WHY you would like to embark on or continue on this journey.
What can you do today to start embracing your authentic emotions?
